...today is a new day

I usually start a few days before the new year to start working on my new year's resolutions, so that by the time the new year rolls around, the resolution has already become a habit. I've possibly already failed and started over again, or went back to the drawing board after deciding that the resolution was absolutely silly (goals should be attainable after all.)

   I considered a few resolutions, and then quickly decided I should consider those resolutions as absolutely silly, unattainable goals. First I thought that being nice to people would be a nice goal. Nice... but not very realistic. Easing up on the curse words was another resolution I mulled over. Then I realized (while swearing) how good it felt to swear sometimes and how much I enjoy it. Besides, being a mean old man without the expletives is rather difficult.

   So I decided on another approach...  

   This week was the start of my resolution and I feel pretty confident. Why? It's because my resolution is to make resolutions. 2009 will be a year of setting goals. Four times a year, I will write down a list of short term and long term goals. On top of that, as a sort of milestones to the goals, I will start each week with a checklist and during the week check off and/or add to the list every morning. (Except for Saturday, that day is mine... And while we're at it, not on Sunday either, that's the Lord's day. His rule, not mine.)

   

   The top of this morning's list was checked off right away. I told myself to breathe and smile.

   Inhale... Exhale... (Ahhhhh, smile.) 

   

On a second thought, maybe being nice might be more attainable than I thought.

mustache challenged

The mustache challenge ended a while ago, but I have yet to part ways with the wispy, willows on my upper lip. I warn participants of what I call the "tipping point." Mustache growing takes a good amount of commitment and a bunch of bravado and willpower. The first few days of the mustache challenge are days filled with embarrassment, usually accompanied with regret. Every time you speak to someone, an explanation usually makes it's way early into the conversation. Every look in the mirror is usually done twice, and the second look is usually a look of disgust or fear or a combination of both.

   

Then one day, without warning, it happens... "the tipping point."

   Usually around week three of the challenge, glances into the mirror become extended stares. Towards the end of cinco de mustache, as the use of waxes, brushes, and various trimmers become more frequent, so does the thinking that mustaches are "boss." 

(And ladies, it's always words like "boss", "dope" or "bitchin'" that is used to describe the facial hairs. Never, ever, ever "cute.")  

(Because it really never is.)

   So here I am, a few weeks away from the end of the mustache challenge, on the dark side of the tipping point. Living in a warped sense of reality, where shirts are chosen to go along with the 'stache. 

   It's actually really nice living in a world where the worst thing that could happen is a trimming mishap that leads to a loss of symmetry. Where the slightest breeze or exhale rustles though your facial hair and feels like a magical ride. And all the bad news in the morning paper is put aside for the latest copy of the Auto Trader as the search for a 1972 Camaro or even a late model El Camino becomes the focus of the day. 

   

Yep, life is pretty sweet... and it's especially sweet with the sweet smell of pomade centimeters away from your nose.

excuses, excuses, excuses...

I haven't been posting much lately. It's not that I haven't been writing. Oh, I've been doing a lot of that. The kind of furious writing accompanied by frustrated sighs and frantic keyboard pounding. The kind of writing that is inspired by insomnia. Insomnia caused by stress. Stress caused by, I hate to say, ME.

   If you know ME, I'm sure you've given me advice in the not too distant past that would have put me in a position where I would not be so stressed out, I would be able to sleep at night, and therefore write the kind of furiously ecstatic writing accompanied by sighs of nostalgia and frantic, yet happy keyboard tippity tapping. So you could say that a little bit of embarrassment is part of the reason for the lack of posts. Embarrassed that I'm complaining about living a life that I wouldn't been living if I wasn't ME. Hindsight, as they say is 20/20.

   

Go ahead and say your "I told you so's." I deserve it... 

I'll write about it later (then embarrassingly delete the post.)  

dandelions (part two)

Downstairs, at the Whole Foods, there's this one security guard, he's pretty easy to pick out, he has "security" written on the back of his shirt. That and he's kind of scary looking. He's about 6'2", 195 and in his early fifties. He has grey-ish hair down to his shoulders, slicked back. He'd look as comfortable on the seat of a Harley as he would crushing the windpipe of a would be shoplifter. Basically, he is the opposite of your typical peace sign waving, hummus eating, Prius driving Whole Foods employee. I'm down there a few times a week, and I've never seen him smile. Until tonight...

   Rewind to my day. I had one of those days that would make just about anyone say, "it's one of those days." I could sit here and list all the things that made me feel anxious and sad and lonely and scared... but I won't. 

Instead, let me tell you what made everything alright...

   

   Back to the security guy. This evening, after a nightmare of a day, security guy and I shared the sidewalk for a bit. There he was, all 195 pounds of crime deterrence. There I was, as tall as his armpit, 125 pounds (barely), walking beside him in silence. A few steps away from my stairs, I notice his grocery bags and ask him what's in the bags. He lifts the smaller paper bag and says, "soup for me." Then he shows me the bag that was previously out of view on his opposite side, smiles and says, "flowers, for the old lady."

There it was. 

(I thought I had lost it somewhere between traffic, school, work, bills, rent, the past, the future, sadness, loneliness.)

As brilliant as the morning sun, in a brown paper grocery bag, filled with red and yellow chrysanthemums... I found my smile.

I'm still smiling.  

runaway

I just had the roughest week and I feel like running away!

I'm thinking Nara, Japan.





...come with?

go, dog, go!

The universe has a funny way of working itself out sometimes. 

dandelions

Don't panic.

super powers (see also: an instrument of social justice)

While walking back from the grocery store today I was nearly run over by a woman barging through the parking lot in a boss, convertible BMW, yapping away on her celly. I couldn't help but scowl and yell, "get off the cell phone!" It was actually kind of funny how mad I got and then seeing the lady make an "oops!" face and hang up. I would have made an "oops!" face too, but I was too busy frowning.

   You should know that I have a super power, I am super grumpy. It's a blessing and a curse, knowing that along with such great powers comes great responsibility. I'm joking of course. I kind of have a reputation for being mean sometimes. It's a work in progress, but I'm trying to focus my energy on things that matter and less on things that do not... like trying to enforce the State of California "hands free" law. 

slow fades and no-replies

I've been job hunting recently. If you ever need an ego-deflator there's nothing like the good old employment search for that. I have to say the only thing worse than a reply saying that you are not exactly the right candidate for the job is the no-reply. Come on! At least tell me that you think I suck. Tell me that the position has been filled or that you are still searching for the right person. Have the decency to say "there is someone more qualified" or "not right now, but someday" or "try looking someplace else." Throw me an effing bone!

   The only thing worse than that is the "slow fade." I've been fading for a while now. I feel practically invisible. 

    

so long sweet summer...

Classes started last week and couldn't have happened sooner. I was about to go crazy. 

the reason

Recently I went through a stage of feeling burned out. Feeling tired of taking classes, tired of my job and my life in general. I realize that what my life was lacking was a purpose. I needed a reason, or rather I needed to focus on the reason.

   For example, take my job. I've been doing the same work for nearly ten years now. I wait tables. I'd like to think that I'm good at it. Most of the time I enjoy it. Lately though, I've found myself dreading it. I wake up in the morning and my day is ruined, since all I can think about is having to head in to work at 4pm. I forgot why I got the job in the first place.

   J was my hero in my young adulthood. In my eyes she stood for adventure and freedom. She spent a year traveling around the Pacific Ocean. A trip funded by waiting tables. When she was home J worked at this rad little Mexican food place. In California, Costa Rica, New Zealand and Australia she worked at rad little restaurants too. In Japan she worked as a hostess for the same restaurant I work at. J came home with amazing stories and photos. I was jealous. I started waiting tables.

   It's not such a bad gig, waiting tables. I get a free meal every time I go in. I meet for the most part a lot of cool people. I leave with cash in my pocket. Most importantly, I have my days free to do whatever I want. I am free to go surfing, to take classes, to volunteer at SurfAid or stretch out my mornings with a cup of coffee and the newspaper. The cool thing about restaurant jobs is I could be doing the same thing just about anywhere.  

   Yesterday I made a list of 3 potential jobs that I want, the classes I have left to get my degree and I thought of the people I need to know to get my foot in the door. I wrote this list on a guest receipt at work. I gave myself a reason to get out of bed everyday, rush off to class and rush off to work right after. This is how birds must feel when gliding on an updraft. It was like storm clouds parted and sunlight beamed in. My reason for waiting tables is so that someday soon, I won't have to. 

(thanks for the pep-talk J.)

kiss

You know what I miss? Making out high school style. You know, the kind of nervous, slightly innocent kissing (maybe not innocent.) Just straight up macking with no expectations. It's been a long time since I've been kissed like that. Heck, It's been a long time since I've been kissed.

   Actually, I take that back. D saw me the other night and gave me a kiss on the cheek and pretty much broke my brave face for a second or two. It was a sweet, "I feel sorry for you" peck. That kind of kissing I would like to do without.

   You know what I think is gross? Seeing old people make out. Bleh! Guess what else? I am getting old. Pretty soon I will be grossing myself out by making out. Bleh! 

   So I guess I will be missing kissing and kisses in general since I can't do the "no expectation" kissing, won't do the "sucks to be you" peck, and will get physically sick knowing that the next person who kisses me will be kissing "old man" lips. Bleh! I'm kissing kisses goodbye. 

(untitled)

Rest in Peace Atip Ouypron. 

in case you forget

Smile.

automatic abs: a lesson in living

I've recently joined a gym... 

   O.K. Now that we've gotten the giggles out of the way. I've recently joined a gym and have started a regular workout routine. I spend at least three to four hours a week running and working out. It's a great place to meditate and ruminate on whatever. An added bonus is that I get to keep my manorexic physique for a few more years.

   I just read a workout tip for "automatic abs" and "the perfect six pack." (Go on and giggle then come back.) The advice given did not include tips on exercises to do and diet was only hinted at. The "six pack" advice I will pass on as life advice. It was to "concentrate on specific actions instead of the desired result."

   "Ripped abs" are nothing but a pipe dream to many. Fashion magazines are depressing after looking in the mirror. So why bother... have a greasy burger and say yes to the second helping of cheesecake. 

   I know how it feels. When I look in the mirror, the man that I want to be is so far away. The goals that I have set seem impossible. Saying yes to junk food and wanting to give up is the easy solution. Maybe after a while looking into mirrors will get easier. As of right now it is not. 

   This is what I will do, focus on the journey and concentrate on specific actions. There are loose ends in my life that need to tied up. Schooling is a major part. I'm going to stop thinking degrees, stop thinking g.p.a. I'm going to stop thinking finals when I should be thinking midterm. During this term and the terms after, my focus will be on tonight's homework, tomorrow's quiz, the current project. 

   I already feel a heavy weight lifted off my shoulders. That is just school. I'll think of  other ways to apply automatic ab advice to my everyday life while I'm on the treadmill. Go on, giggle.   

hugs

On my walk to the video store, a young lady walking ahead of me was having a heated discussion on the telephone. Respecting privacy is a big issue for me, but attempting to ignore the phone drama was impossible as the young lady took the the convo from the parking lot indoors and roamed the aisles aimlessly, at times shouting into the cellphone. She made known to everyone in the store through a brilliant monologue that she was in a long distance relationship, that she was not secure in the said relationship, and has "options" if the said relationship was to come to an abrupt end. Then she brought up a subject that will clear the room every time...she said she was lonely. 

   Here I was on a lonely afternoon browsing the video store for a rental. My heart six thousand miles away. Slowly the rage and annoyance faded away and I started to see myself yelling into a cellphone. A few minutes earlier I imagined myself walking up to her, grabbing the cellphone, flipping it shut and tossing it across the room (as the fellow patrons cheer and clap). The image changed into me walking up and giving Miss shall we call her cellphone faux pas(?) a big, big hug. Not because I thought that she really needed it...because just then, at that exact moment I really needed it. 

selfish

I think too much about other people. This is my fatal flaw. I need to be more selfish. I need to think about myself more.

"i don't really like talking about my flair."

It happens much too often. It happens whenever my mouth starts working. Next thing you know I've went on and on and on, and a perfectly good conversation has been ruined. Please do not let me do it here. If I ever whine about work...please, kick me.

Thank you.

fame

I have a reputation for being less than welcoming to new employees at my workplace. Even I have to admit that most of the time I can be a total jerk. I've actually mellowed out a lot in my old age and have made an attempt to be a bit more courteous and receptive. But you know what they say about old habits and dying hard. The new generation has no idea. 

   Tonight Jessie (one of the newbies) at my work said,

   "You take such good care of me."

   Which came as a surprise. It was like having a bolt of lightning strike my brain. It wasn't as if I went out of my way to look out for her. I just made a little space for her to squeeze in. 

   Know what...It feels good to be good. 

   In the past few years I have met and known quite a few athletes, artists and musicians that are well known. I used to think that I wanted that. It must be a great feeling to be recognized for something that you are passionate about and are good at. I want to be famous too. I want to be known for how generous and caring I am. 

aloha

It might seem strange that aloha is the Hawaiian word for hello and also goodbye; at the same time it is so easy to understand. I spent a few days on Lanai and my home on Kauai. Seeing familiar faces and places made a trip home exactly that...a trip "home."

So many changes. There were new houses, new roads, new people. But the things that mattered the most to me were still there and thriving. The mountains, the ocean, the trees all seemed bigger. The rain and chickens were there to greet me. And, just like the fragrant flowers, my family is growing.

   It's a continuous cycle; the rain continues to fall on the mountains, little trees grow tall where tall trees have fallen, trade winds blow, waves crash on sandy beaches, and every time I return I feel blessed.

   As the time to leave quickly approached I had in my mind already begun to plot ways to work out my next visit. I was ready to get back to San Diego and felt anxious to get back to school and work. Even before my bags were packed, I started to feel lonely again. I choked back the tears as my family gathered to see me off. I didn't say goodbye...

I said aloha.